can't turn back time

I left college today. 

It's been the weirdest and most difficult two years of my life so far, and unlike when I left school and there was a huge metaphorical hole inside of me where school had been, I am glad that as I write this I feel content.

I'll write more when I'm having half-decent thoughts. At the moment, my head is a little jumbled and I think I need time to process the past few days. So, instead of random babbling, here are some cute photos of people I love ♥

Lab Party: Billie, Matt, Wallis, Jess, Cory, Liz, Sam, Laura, Me, Ester, Hayley, Ryan, Sophie, Abbie and Beckie

A2 Spanish: Ryan, James, Chloe, Antonia, Cory, Ester, Me, Libby and Matt (and Frank...)

Leavers' Meal Thingy: Wallis, Laura, Cory, Sam, Billie, Sophie, Antonia and Me

SOTD is Måns Zelmerlöw - Impossible, chosen mainly because Sophie requested that I played it while driving her home :)


Thanks for the past two years, guys <3

Rx

this moment will be over

What a lovely weekend. Firstly, the weekend started with Chloe's 18th on Friday night. Danny and I attempted to make a happy birthday vlog, judge for yourselves how that went...






And then Saturday, which was both the Eurovision final and the Leeds Food Festival.

I was more than a little excited that night. Grattis Loreen! I love the Eurovision season, not only do we get a whole evening of music, but we learn new words in foreign languages and the ESC 'fandom' on Twitter (bleh, that word makes me cringe) is lovely and I love hearing everybody else's opinions on the songs. It was both a well deserved win for Sweden and an expected second-to-last for us (the UK), but I think a lot of us were pretending to be honorary svenskar that evening ;)


Yesterday was spent at my grandma's house. I was supposed to be revising but I made a friend...

Meet Barney, my cousins' dog :)


Tomorrow is my last psychology lesson, my last Spanish lesson where the whole class is there and my last Starbucks Tuesday with Jess (that last one is something that I'm particularly sad about). I don't really know how I feel about the end of college, but then I don't know how I'm supposed to feel either. There's no etiquette to follow unlike at the end of school. I don't think I'm going to be sad. When I left school there was a huge part of me that stayed there. I don't think the same will happen with college. It's time for a fresh start and it's time to find the person that has been forgotten about underneath all of the drama and despair. 


Having said all of that, underneath the surface I'm sure tomorrow will be a bittersweet day. I'll be sad about all of the 'lasts' that will pass me by as quickly as the last few weeks seem to have, but we have the lab party at lunchtime and I'm sure it will be a true celebration of friendships and our time at college because while we may have hated it (in parts), we're all still here. 


SOTD is Loreen - Sober (Acoustic). It's not her ESC-winning song, but it's beautiful anyway :) 


Rx

weekend catch-up

Not much to report on my actual weekend. Yesterday was spent hunting down a prom dress (blergh, Jess and Chloe you'll know why this wasn't an entirely pleasant experience) and just generally shopping, and today was spent doing much the same.

However, I logged on this afternoon and was scrolling through my Blogger dashboard when I found this post by Jess, containing her 'first ever vlog' (seen as her video is unlisted I'll just link to her blog post and you can do the rest of the work yourself). I then checked my emails and had one telling me that Danny had subscribed to me on YouTube. Well, it seems that Danny has also taken the plunge and made a vlog. Exciting times!

So, that's literally it for this weekend, unless anybody wants to know what I bought... or shall I save that for a vlog next week? Let me know please!

SOTD is Joshua Radin 'Underwater'.

Rx

find your voice

I left school two years ago today. It's one of those dates that, if you're like me, you don't forget. And it's weird, because two years really doesn't seem like a long time, but at the same time it feels like forever. 

I hated it when I left school. We get so used to the structure and the rhythm of life when we have a set timetable every day and a reason to be up and out of the house first thing in the morning. This was worsened by starting college and the various problems that have occurred over the two years I've been here. It's been a difficult two years, and it's been easy to lose sight of the person I was when I left school.

But, I'm now getting ready to leave college and I've been thinking a lot recently about how much has changed in the past two years.

Things are very different now. I think I've learnt a lot about how to deal with things, but I've also learnt a lot about the injustices of being a part of a world driven by money and not by compassion. I've learnt that even when there is nobody making the difference in your life, you have to do all you can to make the difference in somebody else's life. I've met people from backgrounds different to my own, heard stories that I could never have imagined hearing and been lucky enough to make friends who I adore. 

More than anything, I've learnt that problems are momentary. Are they realistically going to exist this time next year? Probably not, so it's OK for them to consume all of your time and emotions for a few moments, as long as you know you have the power to stop them when you need to. Because, whether we know it or not, we all have the power to overcome them.

If you'd asked me two years ago if I thought that I wouldn't care about what people thought of me in the in two years' time, I'd have said no. My 16 year old self would have absolutely laughed at the idea that I wouldn't care about the opinions of others. But, here I am two years later and I don't. I'm always going to encounter people who don't like me or think badly of me, and that's OK, because I have reached a point where I am comfortable enough in myself to know that I don't have to let these things consume me. I can write again without being paralysed by the fear of who may be reading it, and as the title of this post suggests, I feel that I have found my voice once more.

I quoted the following Tim Minchin lyric in my school yearbook. Never did I think that it would feel so appropriate when looking back at what I've learnt since leaving school...

"If you hear nothing, learn from nothing, then you teach nothing when it's your turn."


SOTD is one I heard on The One Show last night which is also very appropriate, Sing - Gary Barlow & The Commonwealth Band featuring Military Wives.

Wishing those leaving school the best of luck with both exams and the future,


Rx

video diary day 2

Update for anyone who watches: hotel room is booked! 



Back to usual blogging tomorrow :)

Rx

video diary day 1

So, I currently have no time for blogging/writing and tons of time in college when I could be writing but have no access to Blogger. I decided to do a bit of a video diary about things that have been going on while I had some time to kill... It was rather awkward as people kept walking/driving past, so please be nice about how bad it is in places.
 



Enjoy. Hopefully things will be back to normal soon.

Rx

recently...

I haven't written in a whole week. It's been a stressy, busy sort of week that has included two exams and one mock exam. And I'm tired, so please forgive me if none of this makes sense. 

So, my Spanish oral was on Thursday at 9am (because the first thing everybody wants to do on a morning is have a debate about travellers' rights in the UK). I think it went OK. I could go into a rant about a woman and her lack of ability to read a sign in front of her own face, but if you know me you'll already know that. Let's just say that I was irritated and we'll leave it at that. 

Friday was the Psychology mock - an hour and a half that took part of my lunchtime and that's all I needed to be in for. Nothing much to say other than bleh.

Finally, yesterday I resat the AS Spanish listening/reading/writing exam. It was alright, not sure I'll have got any more marks than last year, but it wasn't too bad. The writing was all about a pillow fight, though, which I imagine probably threw quite a few people. 

Other than that, I've mainly been stressing about everything, so here's a rubbish photo of the ducky friends I made in the park this afternoon...

SOTD is Scissor Sisters - Only the Horses. Enjoy :)

Rx

there's no point in fighting

Not much to say today. It was mine and Jade's last Amnesty group meeting and I'm not sure what I feel about it. Primarily, I think it's sadness because I'm going to miss it. I sat in the office this morning and counted up all of the signatures we've recevied on petitions etc this year and took in everything we've got hanging around in boxes. Unlike last year, we haven't yet officially handed over to the Y12s who will be taking over our roles next year, so I'll be in the office again before we all leave on the 30th. I think it was a poignant reminder that I am actually leaving, and soon at that. 

But, back to the group. I've loved this group of people this year. They're all lovely and special in their own ways and it's been so good working with so many committed people. I'll miss our random conversations - mainly about Spanish and Jade's random comments - and the fun times we've had. I remember handover day last year quite clearly - it seemed like such an important event, much more so than this year.

Today was also another Starbucks Tuesday. As usual, it was fairly eventful, with the gear stick deciding to fall apart while I was turning a corner. Oh, that was awkward... I sometimes think that the non-drivers among us are better off, I really do...

We have three of these left. Three more weeks of coffee and confiding in one another about life and everything that we need to say. Again, it saddens me to think that something so wonderful is coming to an end. It doesn't seem fair that I've hated college, but the best and most important parts of it are coming to an end along with the misery that it's given me for almost two years of my life. I can't remember how to move on from something like this. Maybe I need to stop thinking of everything as being so important, but I just don't know. 

I don't really have any words that will do anything enough justice at the moment.

SOTD is Keane - Silenced By the Night

Rx

if darkness blinds you

There are lots of different types of people (hello, huge understatement!), and a lot of the time I think we are all guilty of thinking that whenever we need somebody, the "right person" isn't there. With myself, this (sort-of) accusation is often exaggerated by the fact that as of right now, I am acutely aware of how different things are going to be very soon.

I remember what it was like, leaving school and "being set free". You leave school and there is a sense of expectation so great and so exciting. It doesn't just lift the atmosphere, it picks it up and twirls it round in the air, shrieking excitedly at what is about to happen. There "hype" surrounding such a day is immense - you don't quite remember what it was like to leave primary school (although I do remember arriving home and realising that I'd miss one of the dinnerladies more than anybody else - hey, I never said I was normal...) yet you can't picture a last day of anything quite as spectacular as this. Shirts are signed, special assemblies are perfected and performed, ancient photographs are unearthed and you are alive with the knowledge that this is it, you're growing up.

On my last day of school, my form tutor walked myself and a few of our friendship group out of the building. The back-story behind our little group is huge, but we were a family by the time we were walking through school for what felt like the last time - forever - and although we were sad to leave behind the memories and the special moments we so frequently shared, our tutor was there, setting us free.

"They" say that there is no summer quite like the one when you leave school. The bubble wrap that protected you for every moment for five whole years has, unfortuantely, burst now, but in that child-like way of not caring, the disappointment is outweighed by the sheer delight of "being grown up".

But, here's where it gets complicated.

You're not grown up at all really, are you?

And, as I sit here writing, I cast my mind back over the past two years of college life, and I realise now that I've learnt one huge lesson.

For a start, I think it would be wise to add a little disclaimer that I have hated college, and I'm not going to pretend that I haven't. I've struggled, I've contributed to everything and felt that I wasn't getting anywhere with anything, and I spent a whole year having what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. Why? Well, there are many reasons, but one of the most significant factors that links everything together is that college is very different to school in one key area: the replacement bubble wrap they provide isn't very comfortable, it doesn't seem to work.

If the inspiration I felt upon leaving school and realising that "now is the time to decide what to do with my life, how exciting" is a candle, the incessant rain that is college life has most definitely put an abrupt end to that enchanting flame.

Over the past two years, a phrase I have used often is "there are words I could use to describe this place, but I'm too polite", and it's true, so I'll use these words instead: you don't need the "right people", you need to learn from the right lessons. And who better to teach you lessons than your teachers?


This summer is going to be another huge change. I'll be staying at home, thankfully, but even though I haven't liked college, I frequently find myself worrying about how I will cope with the sudden disappearance of the support network I have come to rely on. And, this is the part of my life where I find myself desperately searching for something, anything, that I can remember in years to come. 

The lesson I've learnt? Perserve and accept nothing less than the best, because even though the struggle may be lengthy and tough to endure, your rewards will be far richer than you could wish for.  


And, to You - I know you won't read this (and if you do, I'll be intrigued as to how you find it), but thank you. You have taught me more than you will ever know about so many things.


SOTD is Josh Groban's "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up). Fitting.


Rx