Sunday, 4 November 2012

past is past

I really hoped that my next post would be something fun and interesting (and I'm working on that one, but the shocking northern weather is really holding me back at the moment) that I'm planning to share when I can. Unfortunately, today has 100% matched the stereotype of a depressing, rainy Sunday and my mood very much reflects the weather and atmosphere today.

Something's been niggling away at me all week and I realised why and what it was today. I read an article some time around the beginning of the week, and it was one of those articles that you wish you hadn't read because it evokes emotions and opinions that you'd managed to bury deep within you.

But, truthfully, the contents of the article and its effect on me remind me that sometimes you can't do anything more than to try and cover it up.

I suppose it doesn't help that a year ago things were very different to how they are now. A year ago it was the beginning of another cycle of turning up at college every day and wondering if I would make it to the end of the day without crying, of practically running from room to room because any amount of time spent outside the trusty language lab made me stop breathing with anxiety.

I'm thankful that now I'm at university and I even manage to commute there and back relatively anxiety-free, but every now and then life gives me those little reminders that take me back to certain dates...dates that I would very much like to forget. And it's ironic, because Tuesday March 13th was one of the best days of my life - because I met one of my favourite comedians in the evening - but I very vividly remember the light hours of the day and sitting and shaking in an unwelcoming little office in what was virtually a shed with Sophie and Aiden, not really knowing what I was supposed to do because it was all so ridiculous. It was worse than that, but I'm not entirely sure I want the internet to know about everything else.

It's difficult looking back because even though I know I'm in a much better place now, events that have occurred in the last two years still shape the way I behave. I'm still pretty much silent throughout every day unless I'm around people I trust. I still don't volunteer to speak in lectures, seminars or language tutorials. For now, though, I'm coping. I know I'm coping because I've made it through six weeks of university and this is the first time I've felt unsure about anything. Because of that fact alone, I know things will be OK in the long run.

I'm going to leave you with a newer version of my absolute favourite song. I've probably posted this on here before, but it's relevant and, quite frankly, if you can't even find one thing that you like about this song then chances are we wouldn't get along. I'm also hugely grateful to whoever uploaded it in the first place because I must watch it every day... It's inspirational and beautiful, and the new version is brilliant. I love both versions to listen to when I feel sad. What do you like to do when you feel down?

I also hope that everybody who reads this is well and happy, but if things aren't great then please remember that you are not alone and things do get better.



  1. Bit bummer to feel like that... i fully understand anxiety. I have panic/ anxiety issues due to fear of my AF returning, which by now it shouldn' t but the anxiety stays....and it stops one doing a lot of things. Chin up tho. You are young, should be carefree and having a whale of a time. I hope that part comes along soon and the past drops into a distant memory.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Wayne. I think I'm getting there with saying yes to things instead of no because I'm too anxious about them, it's just the odd occasion when I remember certain things/people. I remember when you used to blog about your AF and I imagine it must be quite difficult. I hope you find a way to deal with the anxiety you have too and live life the way you wish.