I hate the summer. I really, truly, absolutely hate the summer. They say that summers such as those after leaving school are college are supposed to be the best. Do you know what I've been doing? I've been sitting in the house all day, every day, trying to make plans with people that never amount to anything and realising that the past two years are catching up with me.
I had an awful two years at college. For the most part, I regret going there. Everything was just difficult and when things were really difficult there was pretty much nobody there unless I wanted to see a the counsellor - and when people you know sit pretty much next to her office in their free time, you don't want to see the counsellor.
I used to know someone who was brilliant at being helpful. She taught me a lot and helped me open up to her when I needed someone to talk to. If I saw her now, I find it sad that I'd have to tell her that all of her efforts were in vain. Nobody cares now, so nobody ever knows anything. And it's hard trying to get on with everyday life when there's so much going on inside your head that you can't think straight.
Now I have nothing keeping me busy or distracted, it's all hitting me, and it's fairly serious.
This past week has been awful. I stayed up until 3am yesterday. I wasn't thinking or even visibly upset, my head was just completely clouded over. Today has been much the same. I just don't know how I can possibly process everything that's happened without someone being there.
Friends, they're all busy, and family are too. There's no room for me to once more be 'the one with the problem'. I'm always the one with the problem but I can't help it. It's not like I'm all of a sudden sad or upset, it hasn't gone away since Christmas 2010, it's just that some things happen and make it obvious. I know people have lost their patience with me, I know people can't be bothered with me anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say to explain.
If you find any sense in all of that, then you're a better person than I am.
And I'm sorry if that was miserable to read, but I needed to say it.
All in all, the summer holidays are rubbish.